Bonus 20-Lynn Banis-From Tears to Triumph: How to Help Kids Cope with Grief

Herb: 00:00:20

I now have the pleasure of introducing Lynn Bannis. Did I say your name correctly?

Lynn Banis: 00:00:25

You certainly did.

Herb: 00:00:26

Excellent.

Lynn Banis: 00:00:26

Yay.

Herb: 00:00:27

So Dr. Lynn Bannis is a transformational mentor, speaker, and founder of Women Rising Together.

She guides high capacity women through personal loss, burnout, and soul level transition to reclaim a life that finally fits with decades of experience in human development. She's known for creating safe, sacred spaces where women don't just heal, they become. Welcome. Lynn, it is a pleasure to have you here today.

Thank you very much for joining us.

Lynn Banis: 00:00:56

Well, thank you. It's wonderful. Looking forward to it.

Kristina: 00:01:00

Perfect. And even though her bio talks about helping women through this, she also has a deep heart for family.

So we're going to turn this a little bit more towards our families and our parents and our children and make sure that they can also handle all of some of these deep subjects that she likes to talk. So, Lynn, start with that. Why your passion? Why share your message, your information with the people that you do?

Lynn Banis: 00:01:24

Well, my passion grew out of having my mother live with us from the age of 100 to 106, at which time she passed away. And then within a few months, my little brother passed away. That's not supposed to happen. And then my husband passed away unexpectedly.

So I had grief after grief after grief. And going through that process, I really realized nobody should have to do it alone.

And there's not much out there that isn't, you know, just surface stuff. I wanted to do something really deep because that's how I do things.

And I have a PhD in human behavior and been executive coaching for 30 years or so. So I know how the human brain works. I know how the human heart works.

And so after I made the transition myself, I started thinking about, I can help people. I just need to get my tools out and figure out how to do that. And I did that.

And I have a very comprehensive program that takes people from the point where they kind of can manage their emotions pretty well and they have cleared up the brain fog so that they can be involved in creating the next chapter of their life.

But what I prefer to talk about really is what do you do with children and grandchildren when somebody, grandpa or mom or dad or whatever, even if some aunts and uncles, if they're really close, and grandparents, the whole nine yards. I remember when I was maybe nine years old, my.

The grandmother that would just meant so much to me passed away unexpectedly and we went to Chicago because that's where she was.

And I stayed with my aunt because my parents didn't think that us Kids, you know, were old enough to handle this well, that was, it was devastating to me. And I remember my aunt saying, you need to go play with the other kids.

And I kind of snapped, I think, and said, this is the only grandma I have that I really love. Which didn't make her happy, but, you know, she didn't know how to handle it. You know, just go suck it up. Go play with the other kids.

So, you know, I was very aware of that when my husband died, you know, being the grandfather, and unfortunately my grandkids, the. The youngest group also lost their other grandfather exactly one month before.

So those poor little ones, and they were, you know, five and, and eight maybe. So they didn't. They didn't understand at all. And they would say, are they coming back? You know, and so there's.

There's a number of things to think about. One is, as the grown up, you need to grieve. You need to be okay with crying and being sad. And that needs to be a family thing. You don't heal alone.

You heal with other people who understand what you're going through. So the first thing is to really understand what people go through in this process.

And the fact that as a widow, when your spouse dies, every single aspect of your life changes. You're no longer who you used to be. You have no identity. You have the grief of not having those family times together. I still grieve about that.

I miss that so much. But it was so important that we included the children so that they understood that this is part of life.

Yes, it's terribly sad and it hurts like mad, but we can get through it. We can get through it together better than alone. And it's okay if you see grandma crying or mom or whatever.

And you need to be part of that process, too. So having some family meetings where you talk about things.

And when my dad passed, we went back to my mom, their house after the funeral, and somebody got out all the old slides that had been taken of us every summer, water skiing, you know, they were almost all the same, except for different clothes and different heights. But it got us really lifted our spirits and. And we started laughing at things that dad did, you know. And so one of the things that I suggest.

And I did this with, with my grandchildren, all of them.

Kristina: 00:07:02

We.

Lynn Banis: 00:07:02

I gave them like Mason jars, like two weeks, three weeks before Christmas. So everybody had one.

And I said, just take a little slip of paper and write down something that really was important to you about that person, something that made you laugh, something that you Love doing with them something that they said, you know, whatever. And we. We changed our traditions at Christmas, but we ended up in the afternoon sitting around with these Mason jars and started pulling these.

These bits of. Of memory and honor out. And we were all laughing about the silly things that, you know, granddad did.

So I recommend doing things like that so that the kids are part of the process. Another thing there is that we have to keep in mind is that children at different ages will process differently. So, you know, the.

The six, seven, and younger. This just doesn't make. They don't get it. They don't. It makes no sense. They're very sad because they've lost somebody. Their love. They love.

They keep expecting them to come back and, you know, and so they just need a lot of hugs and understanding and just really lots of love. And trying to get them. Not forcing, but trying to have some conversations where they learn that. That it's okay. Sorry to.

To do whatever they need to do to get. Get through it and to be together. You know, when they're. When they're a little older, it becomes.

It becomes something that they don't really want to deal with because it is so different and so foreign to them, but it impacts them deeply. So getting them to, you know, it's hard enough to get a teenager to discuss things with.

Kristina: 00:09:15

Right.

Lynn Banis: 00:09:16

But, you know, getting them involved. True. And talking about feelings and, boy, we are not good at naming feelings what we feel.

I remember having a group of executives in a training program, and I had asked them to tell us what their feeling was right now, and they would give me all sorts of other questions they. Or words, but they weren't feelings. So we don't even know. It's. It's so important for us to be able to do that in the United States.

Herb: 00:09:53

We are very, very bad with death. And it's. And it's a real shame. There are.

There are cultures where when their elders pass away, they actually stay in the home for several years until special occasions when they're buried in groups. I drove bus just before we ended up moving down here. And on one of my routes, there.

Lynn Banis: 00:10:17

Was.

Herb: 00:10:20

A Hispanic family that every day for weeks and weeks and weeks, they had this little plot with candles and a picture, I think, of the grandfather that died. And every point of the day that I drove through, there was at least one person there.

And on weekends, there were crowds of people on tables and foods where it was a month or longer celebration of the person who passed away. So it's like death is. Is Very much a natural thing in the United States. We try and isolate our children from it.

And then the problem with that is you isolate them when they're a child, then they don't know how to handle it when they're an adult. And then as an adult, they think, well, this was too much for me as a kid, so now my kids don't do it.

Kristina: 00:11:06

So.

Herb: 00:11:06

Yeah, I remember my grandma passing away. And I left California when I was 8, so I knew it was before I was 8 years old.

And I remember going and looking at her in her casket and seeing death and seeing. It's like, that's not my grandma. She's not there. That just looks like her. And so having those thoughts and those kinds of.

Of experience as a child, yeah, it wasn't comfortable, but you don't get to go through life with. With being comfortable the whole time. But how did that help me? It's like I understood death in a way that, that other kids didn't who had that.

Lynn Banis: 00:11:50

Yeah, that's. That's so important. And I totally agree with you.

One of the things I try to do is do talks around town with people about what do you do when somebody passes? How do you treat them? How do you, you know, how do you handle all of this? Because we don't know. We. And.

And then we're so afraid that we're going to hurt feelings or do something wrong, say the wrong thing, that the act. What actually happens is people rally around immediately for maybe two, maybe three weeks, then they disappear.

They don't have a clue what the grieving person is going through. They're afraid to call or do anything. And so that person is left alone. And the loneliness is just devastating, you know, as well as the.

The pain they're going through. So, you know, we need to learn. We need to learn that it's okay to go and sit with someone. You don't have to say anything. Just sit with them.

Pick up the phone and say, hey, I was thinking about you. I just want you to know I love you. You know, those things. Simple. Don't make it hard. Just simple, gentle things.

If you're in their house and you see the dishes need to be done, do it. Don't say anything. Just do it. Here's a good one. Do not bring a huge casserole if it's only one person. I got like 13 by 9 inch casseroles of lasagna.

Lasagna. Lasagna, lasagna. And every time my girls came over, I tried to give them something and they finally got, no, we've had enough.

So think, think before you take any food. If you take food, let it be a small portion because nobody wants to eat.

And something that's very simple, maybe crackers and cheese and sausage or something, but something, you know, a small bowl of fruit, something that they can just snack on because there's no appetite. None. So you know, those kinds of things are so important. And those are things children could participate in.

Kristina: 00:14:09

Exactly. Yeah. Those kinds of snack foods and stuff. It helps them be self sufficient when mom or dad is having a hard time.

Helps them, you know, oh, they can go get crackers for mom or dad and help them out a little bit. And too, it gives them some empowerment.

One of the things I talk about in one of the talks I give is that whenever children are grieving or having ups and downs through school is that lots of times we react kind of like you said, we, we like pull back.

It's like, oh, well, they don't need any extra stress so we're going to cut back on their homework or they don't have to participate in class or things like that.

And then it's like, well, but now the message is that not only can they not handle their emotions, but now they can't handle their regular life either. So now you've like told them twice that they can't quite do what they need to do.

So I talk about adjusting expectations instead of taking away expectations because they need the framework, that boundary that kind of helps hold things in place for them.

Lynn Banis: 00:15:05

They really need structure, really do. They'll tell you they don't, but they do. And, and that helps them know how to react and what the boundaries are.

Kristina: 00:15:17

Yeah.

And it's not that you're trying to, you know, push them into life, but again, you're giving them the support that things can be normal if they need it to be. And then of course those talks about how to express how they're really feeling and things like that.

Herb: 00:15:30

Yeah. Because the only people who get through life without having people die are the ones that are dying early.

So you don't, you don't get out of this life without losing people. So it's a big, it's a big part of life. And it is, if it hits you hard and it takes you out, that's not how life is supposed to be.

Yes, it's sad, but it's also part of life. It's the wheel, it's the continuation. It's why we have kids, is because we're going to, you Know, we're going to go, so we have to continue.

So, you know, it shouldn't, it shouldn't be an awful thing. Should it be sad? Yes. Sometimes even tragic, but it should it stop you? No. You should still be able to move and go.

And so keeping that from your kids, keeping that opportunity of learning this when they're young so that when they get old they have to figure it out. Now, it's easier to learn stuff when you're a kid. So don't, don't keep your kids from learning.

Lynn Banis: 00:16:32

Yeah.

And if you do it with heart and care, then they will begin to understand, and they'll understand that you're going through it too, that the person is not here, but you're carrying them in your heart. And, you know, when you can think about things that way, then that's much easier for a child to, to deal with. Yeah.

Herb: 00:17:01

So like, like that, the one society that I was talking about, they have the children, they have the parents, they have the elders, and then they have the ancestors. So the ancestors, again, is a part of life. They are still part of the family.

They are still alive within the family, but they're just not interactive would be a way to put it. So again, like, they keep their family and, and death doesn't become the end because again, they're still family. They become the ancestors.

And so that, that kind of transition, we need to find some ways to bring that back into.

Lynn Banis: 00:17:35

Yeah, we do. I mean, there are, there are cultures that absolutely dance and, and celebrate someone's transition into the next, next form of life.

So, yeah, we're really bad about fear.

Herb: 00:17:51

And oh, no, don't look and oh.

Lynn Banis: 00:17:53

Run away and oh, don't talk about it.

Herb: 00:17:55

And. But man, you gotta, you gotta get in there because it, it's also an amazing time of life.

I've, I've had the privilege to help people transition before and to be there intimately while they are, are moving through that process of life. And it is a tremendous honor to be included in that absolutely into that moment. It's, it's.

And, and to come at it with fear and, and avoidance and angst because you don't understand. It's like that, that just takes so much of, of a beautiful experience away from you.

Lynn Banis: 00:18:32

Yeah, it's really full of wonder.

Herb: 00:18:35

Yes.

Lynn Banis: 00:18:35

You know, it's like, oh, my gosh, that's beautiful. Yeah.

Kristina: 00:18:42

Thank you, Lynn. This has been such a wonderful conversation. And thank you for giving our parents and our families of stepping stone a place to maybe start.

If there were some of those Hesitant ones like, oh, I don't want to expose my children.

But, you know, hopefully they found the message, heard the message through our podcast today that, yeah, it is appropriate, it is actually kind to help your children understand this at an earlier age so they can handle it when they're a little bit older. Yeah.

And in that spirit, can you give them some information about how to contact you if they need a little bit of help getting this started or at their own life?

Lynn Banis: 00:19:17

Absolutely.

Kristina: 00:19:18

You.

Lynn Banis: 00:19:18

I'm on LinkedIn and that's probably the easiest way right now just to DM me. And I will get back with them and set up an appointment and we can chat and see if there's anything I can do to help.

I am going to have to dig because. But I. I know I wrote something about including the whole family in this, so I'll send that to you and make that available as a. As a gift to people.

Kristina: 00:19:47

Oh, thank you so very much. And all that information will be down the show notes when we produce the show.

So, audience, don't forget to look down below to get Lynn's information and that free gift. So thank you so very, very much. Lynn, it's been a pleasure having you here today.

Herb: 00:20:00

Yes, it's been a pleasure. And is there something that is like, wow, I wish we'd have talked about this one little thing that you would have liked to have got to.

That we might not have got to today. What's. What's one thing that you would like to say. Say going away?

Lynn Banis: 00:20:17

I think something that helps children. And I've done. I did this with my grandchildren when another sibling was born. I would take, you know, can't.

Let's say it's just that that child and the baby, I. I'd show them a candle and I'd say, look at the fire on the top of the candle. That's how much I love you. We've got a new baby. And let me light a candle for that new baby. Oh, look at the fire on the top of that one.

It didn't take anything away from how much I love you. And so if you can adjust that to that love is staying in your heart, it's not diminished. And you can carry them in your heart.

That makes it a lot easier.

Kristina: 00:21:14

I love that. Thank you for that visual amazing.

Herb: 00:21:19

And again, thank you so much for being here. It has been a pleasure to have you here today.

Thank you so much for being able to go into this dark world and come out with, again, helps and tricks to make it not so dark for other people. It's been a pleasure having you here today.

Lynn Banis: 00:21:36

Thank you. It's been a pleasure for me.

Kristina: 00:21:39

Awesome. All right, audience, you know what to do. It's time to, like, subscribe and share. You bet.

You know, a family who could hear this message today and be better for it. All right, everybody, until next time, bye for now.

Herb: 00:21:51

Bye for now.