Episode 16
S3EP16-Elaine Belson-We Teach Parents a 3‑Step Magic Trick: Mirror, Validate, Solve — Calm the Meltdown Fast
Elaine Belson tell stories about being a therapist, a late-in-life soldier, and now the self-authority coach — yes, she joined the Army at 42 and no, it didn’t involve a trench coat and cigar, though she does borrow Colombo’s curiosity. Her core message? Self-authority: make choices from your values and emotions, not from a permission slip you’re forever waiting for. We unpack how women (especially moms) tend to self-flagellate — juggling work, kids, expectations — and why embracing mistakes with curiosity (“What was I thinking?” not “Why am I awful?”) is the radical medicine we need. She get delightfully snarky about perfectionism and tender about boundary-setting: internal boundaries are not rude, they’re essential. We talk self-validation as radical self-care — putting yourself on the priority list without the guilt-laden Post-it. She mix humor with clinical insight so you leave feeling both seen and armed: small mantras, Columbo-style curiosity, and permission to be human. It’s coachy, warm, and unapologetically honest — like a hug that hands you a strategy sheet.
A gift from our guest: Free Discovery Call: https://zcal.co/esbelsonlcswc/15min
Our guest's podcast: The Self-Authority Podcast
YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TheSelfAuthorityPodcast
Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-self-authority-podcast/id1896806907
Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/033miAn8hFJOZABoKG2zw1
Amazon: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/20e53fe9-cd7e-4fe6-b675-d6a012792dfe/the-selfauthority-podcast
iHeart: https://iheart.com/podcast/338817380/
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Transcript
I now have the pleasure of introducing Elaine Bellson.
Speaker A:Elaine is the self authority coach.
Speaker A:She is also a speaker and licensed psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience including play therapy and helping women break free from harsh self judgment.
Speaker A:She is also the host of the Self authority podcast.
Speaker A:With a unique background, including joining the army at age 42, Elaine brings both wisdom and real world resilience to her work.
Speaker A:Known for her powerful bite sized mantra, Elaine has a gift for turning complex emotional struggles into simple, actionable truths that stick.
Speaker A:Today she's sharing from her years of experience counseling, counseling children and their parents.
Speaker A:Welcome Elaine.
Speaker A:It is a pleasure that read a lot easier in my head.
Speaker A:That kind of came out hard on my tongue today.
Speaker A:Sorry about that.
Speaker A:But that is a beautiful bio bio and it is is a pleasure to meet you and have you on our show today.
Speaker B:Thank you so much for having me.
Speaker C:It is one of those things that whenever we did our pre chat like I do with most of my guests, our guests and one of those things, Elaine and I've been hanging out in some of those same networking rooms and stuff, it's like, you know what, it's time to bring her on the show and let her shine in our space as well.
Speaker C:Because not only does she support women with her self authority coaching and podcasts, she has the experience with kids.
Speaker C:And, and when we combine the two, guess what, now we're helping two parts of the family, the kiddos and the mom.
Speaker C:And let's talk about that.
Speaker C:Why this passion?
Speaker C:We kind of went from children and therapy and families and now you're focusing more kind of like on the moms, the women.
Speaker C:Tell us a little bit about that passion and that transition through there.
Speaker B:So I actually started out working with children kind of by accident because a lot of therapists are intimidated working with children because you can't sit down with a child and say, hey Mikey, how did you feel when, you know, when, when Laura took your truck from you?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:You have to use play therapy techniques.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so, and at that time in my life when I was much younger and had more energy, I love to challenge.
Speaker B:So I would take all the cases that nobody else wanted, including children and I discovered that I liked it.
Speaker B:And one of the, the things I've actually done some, some workshops where I present about, you know, working with children.
Speaker B:And one of the things as a selling point is I say you get to play when you work with children, right?
Speaker B:So, so I've, I've done that pretty much my whole career until recently.
Speaker B:One of the Reasons I actually had to stop, to be honest with you, is because I have a hearing impairment and I have hearing aids in right now.
Speaker B:And with children, you know, sometimes they don't articulate themselves, they don't speak up even when you ask them to.
Speaker B:And the last couple of sessions where I was working with some of my child clients, the parents had to be in the session with me because, you know, I couldn't understand most of the time what they were saying.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So sadly I had to give that up.
Speaker B:But I do love working with women.
Speaker B:I think it is probably the, you know, I am very passionate about, about empowering women to speak from a place of self, authority, as I call it, which is, you know, not looking for permission from other people to set boundaries, not making decisions without second guessing themselves and embracing their mistakes, as I like to call it, without judging themselves.
Speaker B:But I hesitated because I am very passionate about education.
Speaker B:So, you know, if you get me on that topic, I'll, you know, I have a lot to say.
Speaker B:So I am passionate about education and I did actually homeschool my daughter before I went into the army.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:So I'm sure we'll get there.
Speaker A:But one of the things that, that it's like a saying that was written on a little plaque in my parent in law's bathroom.
Speaker A:It's like children are never the problem.
Speaker A:They're the expression or the result of an issue.
Speaker A:So in some of my coaching where that I've been involved with in the psychedelic area, there's a lot of parents is like, my kids wrong, you need to fix them.
Speaker A:And they send them off to therapy and the kids aren't the problem.
Speaker A:It's the kids aren't responding the way the parents think they should.
Speaker A:So they think the kid has a problem.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:How is that?
Speaker A:So just obviously you're nodding.
Speaker A:You want to, you want to expand on that.
Speaker A:And so is that part of what.
Speaker A:Because that's kind of what we did is like, oh, we work with children is like, you know what?
Speaker A:Actually what we're doing is we're training the parents.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker A:How to do it because.
Speaker A:So.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:Nodding.
Speaker A:All right, go.
Speaker B:Yes, no, absolutely.
Speaker B:Very wise, very wise comments there.
Speaker B:You know, when you do work with children, you also are working with the parents and helping them to parent.
Speaker B:I'd say to parents, you know, I'm with your child an hour a week, you're with them 24, 7.
Speaker B:So I always make a point of at the end of sessions, especially when you're working with children because they're not as self conscious about keeping things private as like teenagers are, although I work with teens as well.
Speaker B:So I'll bring the parent in at the end of the session and I'll say, you know, so, you know, Mikey, tell your mom what we did today and you know, have them explain it, but also in the process teaching the mom about, you know, how to work with their child.
Speaker B:So yeah, I mean, I can, I could, there's a lot that I could say about that.
Speaker B:One of the things that I, I do teach parents, if you want to go into it now, is a three step process which I, I tell parents, you know, you can almost like literally plug this in and you'll see a different outcome.
Speaker B:And I've had parents tell me that,.
Speaker C:Yeah, it is so important because it's not we're making the parents wrong.
Speaker C:It's bringing awareness to how they could do things differently that will help build the bridge between maybe the gap that's been building because of either the chaos or the conflict or whatever.
Speaker C:So it's one of those things, like parents, we're here to support you, not, you know, tear you down, not say you're doing it wrong.
Speaker C:But what if we could do it this way instead?
Speaker C:So let's get into that.
Speaker C:3.
Speaker B:Really good point.
Speaker B:And I did want to actually also comment on top of what Herb had to say about children.
Speaker B:They act out what's bothering them.
Speaker B:You know, as I said in the beginning, they're not going to sit down and say, hey, this is bothering me.
Speaker B:You're going to see it through their behavior.
Speaker B:And one of the analogies that I often use with parents, I say, imagine if you're sitting down after a long day and you finally get to sit down and watch your favorite TV program and all of a sudden your partner comes in, yanks the TV remote out of your hand, sits down and changes the channel.
Speaker B:Now you can't talk.
Speaker B:What are you going to do?
Speaker B:You know, and you know, parents say, I'll probably scream.
Speaker B:I might, you know, try to yank it back.
Speaker B:And it's like, there you go.
Speaker B:And that's a child.
Speaker B:They don't have the ability yet to articulate their feelings.
Speaker B:So that's what they do.
Speaker A: ll town in Southern Oregon in: Speaker A:I'm 56, and at that time there was a lot of hostility in Oregon, especially towards California from where I came up.
Speaker A:And even the, the, like the sign at the set now, it says welcome to Oregon.
Speaker A:When I came up it said, enjoy your visit, basically.
Speaker A:Don'.
Speaker A:And in the small town that I lived in, it's like it was never said to us particularly, but you can tell that the talk was all those darn Californians coming up and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker A:The parents know how to take that information and still be polite to people.
Speaker A:The kids did not.
Speaker A:So my parents had a way different experience than I did.
Speaker A:So coming in at 8 years old, all of these kids hearing this, it's like they reacted way differently to me and they said the stuff out loud that their parents said, that their parents.
Speaker C:Quietly in the house.
Speaker A:Quietly in the house.
Speaker A:So that had like, a serious impact on my life very early on.
Speaker A:And so, yes, the, the children, like I said, they reflect what they hear.
Speaker A:And if they see anger and suddenly your kid is angry at school, it's like, it.
Speaker A:It might not necessarily be that your child has an anger problem.
Speaker A:It's just they're responding to what they see and they're responding to what they're learning and.
Speaker C:Or how they can react based on what they know.
Speaker A:And again, parents.
Speaker A:Parents only know what they know.
Speaker A:And so if their parents didn't know and they raised, you know, back then, it's like there was no Internet.
Speaker A:There was no shows like this out there.
Speaker A:It's like, I remember when Bill Cosby came out a joke.
Speaker A:Everybody in the whole world knew that one joke because it was on primetime television, and there wasn't a lot of variability.
Speaker A:It's like, you know, I took.
Speaker A:Brought you into this world.
Speaker A:I'll take you out of it.
Speaker A:Was the.
Speaker A:Was the line.
Speaker A:And I.
Speaker A:My dad said that stuff to me because it's like he thought it was funny.
Speaker A:So again, the.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's not the parents fault that they don't know.
Speaker A:It's.
Speaker A:It's a lack of experience and knowledge and sometimes they don't know how to get it.
Speaker A:And so.
Speaker A:Right.
Speaker A:I love what you're doing because you bring that to attention.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:Do I have a question in there?
Speaker A:Yeah, so.
Speaker B:Well, I know I interrupted Christina when she was about to ask a question, I think.
Speaker C:Oh, I. I think we were ready to dive into that.
Speaker C:3.
Speaker B:Yes.
Speaker C:Yes, let's do that.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker C:Because we love the actual strategies for our parents.
Speaker B:Absolutely.
Speaker B:And I love them.
Speaker B:That's why I have what I call all these mantras, you know, like either like analogies or three step processes and things like that that people can take and use and they understand.
Speaker B:So anyway, so one that I have is.
Speaker B:It starts with.
Speaker B:Whenever you're in conflict with Your child, right?
Speaker B:The first thing that you want to do is you want to mirror the feeling.
Speaker B:And let me give you a little background on this.
Speaker B:One of the most important roles of a parent is to be what we call a mirror or mirroring object is the clinical term for their parent, I mean, for their child.
Speaker B:So how that parent responds to the child, their tone of voice, the words that they use, right?
Speaker B:Their body language reflects back, gives the child an impression about themselves.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:And so what you want to do first and foremost is don't assume that just because that child looks angry, right?
Speaker B:Or looks bored or, or frustrated or scared that they are making that connection.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Because kids don't do that.
Speaker B:You know, one of the other things that I'll ask parents, they'll say, remember way back when you did something and you like, you wonder now, like, what was I thinking?
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:Something.
Speaker B:You're like, I can't believe I did that.
Speaker B:What was I thinking?
Speaker B:The point is, you weren't thinking because kids brains are not fully developed yet, so that connection isn't necessarily there.
Speaker B:So what you're doing by mirroring back to the child what they're feeling, you're helping them to be more aware.
Speaker B:So what you do is you say, wow, you look really angry right now, or you look really sad, or you look, you look afraid, using simple terms, but basically letting that child know that, number one, you see them, you hear them, right?
Speaker B:And number two, you're giving them information that they need so that they can start making that connection that, okay, this is, this is.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:Oh, so this is what's happening.
Speaker B:This is what I'm feeling.
Speaker B:So there's an unconscious thing going on there where they're going to feel heard because you were, even though they don't make that connection consciously.
Speaker B:So that's the first step.
Speaker A:So does that mean that they might be angry and just not know that that's anger?
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker A:Or is it that they'll look angry but they're not actually angry?
Speaker A:Does that happen too, or.
Speaker B:Sure, sure, that can happen.
Speaker B:But you know, one of the things I'll tell parents is you have to read between the lines.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:You know, and I think parents are really good at doing that.
Speaker B:You know, they know their children well enough that they can say, okay, I think I know what's going on here.
Speaker B:And the child isn't going to say it to me.
Speaker B:But you know, when they, you know, throw something or when they run away, you know, they're, they're, I, I know what that's about.
Speaker B:I know that they're scared or I know that they're, that they're angry.
Speaker B:So that's what you're doing there.
Speaker C:One of the things I like to ask people like you, and we've had a couple of discussions is like you and you even said it in, in simple terms, terms that they can understand.
Speaker C:And unfortunately, fortunately, I don't know, there's so many big words going around now that parents can use with kids like anxiety, depression, etc, and, and to me, it's like that whole other level of more like adult type behavior.
Speaker C:Talk about that a little bit.
Speaker C:Do we want to use those more simpler terms like angry, sad, upset, or do we want to start using these big words that have like a bigger connotation to them?
Speaker B:That's a really interesting question because one of the things that I do when I work with children is start teaching them that we can have more than one feeling about something.
Speaker B:And that feelings do are complex.
Speaker B:And you know, I have this one board game where you give the child a scenario.
Speaker B:Let's say, you know, Bobby has a bad report card, but he doesn't want to show his dad, you know, what do you think he's feeling?
Speaker B:And you know, then, you know, they take these little, these little chips and put them on the board.
Speaker B:And, and I make a game out of it.
Speaker B:I say the more chips you can find, you know, they put on the board, then the more points you get.
Speaker B:And so, and there's four quadrants.
Speaker B:There's happy, sad, afraid and angry.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so they put them around the board.
Speaker B:So it helps them to realize there isn't just happy, sad, angry and afraid.
Speaker B:There are, you know, lots of different feelings.
Speaker B:But, you know, when you're, when you're just talking to a child, I think that it's, it's helpful to start with the basics, you know, because that's what they understand.
Speaker C:I love that.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And the word that popped into my brain was, you know, either afraid that mom and dad's going to react to the report card or maybe even a little bit embarrassed because it wasn't what they were expecting to see.
Speaker B:Exactly.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:You can have both of those emotions exactly at the same time.
Speaker B:Right, Right.
Speaker C:I love that.
Speaker C:All right, step number two.
Speaker C:So we've mirrored, mirrored what we believe is happening.
Speaker C:We're helping them get in touch with that.
Speaker C:Where do we go next?
Speaker B:So the second step after mirroring the feeling is validating it.
Speaker B:And so what you're going to do is you're going to say, I can understand you being angry about the fact that Sally took your truck.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:Or, you know, I can understand that you don't want to go to the dentist.
Speaker B:I can understand that.
Speaker B:That, you know, so what you're doing is.
Speaker B:Is you are saying that normalizing the feeling.
Speaker B:Because oftentimes what we do is we get caught up in the behavior, and we'll get to that.
Speaker B:But the first thing we want to do is want to separate the feeling from the behavior.
Speaker B:And there's no such thing as a wrong or a bad feeling.
Speaker A:Right?
Speaker B:It's just what we do with it.
Speaker B:So we want to help that child to not feel ashamed of their feelings so that they feel more comfortable sharing their feelings and being in touch with their feelings and so that we don't make them feel bad about themselves.
Speaker B:And it helps them again to know that it's okay to feel afraid or sad or whatever it is that you're feeling in that moment.
Speaker B:So you say, wow, you look really angry right now.
Speaker B:I can understand you being, you know, being angry about the fact that Sally took your truck.
Speaker B:And what you can also do, and what I encourage parents to do is be genuine.
Speaker B:You know, we get so caught up in being the parent that we forget that we're also human beings and we have those same feelings too, you know, and you can say, you know, I can remember when I was a kid and my sister borrowed my shirt from my closet without asking me.
Speaker B:Or, you know, there are some times when if, you know, daddy's watching TV and.
Speaker B:And I want to, you know, he doesn't share the remote with me.
Speaker B:You know, I. I get that way, too.
Speaker B:And so you're also normalizing the feeling by sharing of yourself.
Speaker B:Does that make sense?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:Yes.
Speaker C:And it's.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:And, you know, if you don't have a specific example from your personal life, think about a character in a book or a character in a TV show that your child will resonate with or re.
Speaker C:Understand who remember in that show when Bluey did whatever, Right.
Speaker C:So you can also make it kind of more authentic and genuine that way, as well as something they can relate to.
Speaker B:I think we all can relate to feeling, you know, all the different feelings.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:So I love what you said there about, you know, separating the behavior from the feeling, because you're right.
Speaker C:We.
Speaker C:We all own our feelings.
Speaker C:We all have our feelings, and we're going to have a variety of feelings.
Speaker C:It's.
Speaker C:I think that next step that you're about ready to talk to that really kind of makes the difference there.
Speaker C:Anything else about feelings?
Speaker A:My parents tried to do stuff like that with me, and I'm not normal.
Speaker A:So there was a lot of times where they were trying to say stuff like that to me.
Speaker A:And I. I'm a highly sensitive person, so I would.
Speaker A:I could feel sometimes that they weren't.
Speaker A:That they weren't believing what they were saying to me, and that made me feel like they weren't telling me the truth.
Speaker A:And so that's.
Speaker A:That's kind of.
Speaker B:So it seemed kind of like they were being fake.
Speaker A:Yes.
Speaker A:And I've talked to my mom about this later, and she.
Speaker A:She says that she wasn't, but, you know, but there was this sense in me that I could feel that they didn't necessarily believe all of the things that they were trying to tell me, and that that left a hollow feeling in me.
Speaker A:So eventually I. I kind of stopped trying to communicate a lot of that stuff with my parents, because my dad.
Speaker B:Oh, yeah.
Speaker A:I remember a lot that.
Speaker A:Going through that when I was a kid, and it's like, that's not the same.
Speaker A:I, I can.
Speaker A:I can see what you're saying, but that doesn't relate to it.
Speaker A:And they would just kind of ride over me again.
Speaker A:I. I found out that I'm, like, very intelligent.
Speaker C:Highly sensitive.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker A:And highly sensitive.
Speaker A:So I was relating.
Speaker B:Or trying to relate it.
Speaker B:Trying to relate it to your own experience didn't work for you?
Speaker A:Yeah, it didn't work that particular part.
Speaker A:And so I.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker A:And, you know, so going through school, it's like when kids didn't like themselves or I felt that, and it's like, oh, they don't like me.
Speaker A:So all sorts of weird things happen with me, and people didn't have the.
Speaker A:The knowledge on how to work with me because I grew up in a really small town.
Speaker C:So now we call it emotional intelligence.
Speaker A:Emotional intelligence.
Speaker C:Emotional intelligence, yes.
Speaker A:So I'm kind of an outlier in this.
Speaker A:So I'm, like, very fascinated.
Speaker A:And I don't know how.
Speaker A:How to.
Speaker A:To work with me, because I am pretty.
Speaker A:A rare bird.
Speaker A:But.
Speaker B:Well, there's a lot of research to support, and I've had a lot of good experiences with my clients using that approach.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So just so, though.
Speaker B:So, you know, it's worth trying, right?
Speaker C:Absolutely.
Speaker C:And, you know, it's just.
Speaker C:It brings awareness to check in a little bit.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:You know, it's like every once in a while, especially, like, maybe when the situation is calmed down, it's like, go back and check in.
Speaker C:You know, did what I say to you, did that really help, or do you feel A little bit different about that.
Speaker C:So as away from the situation, but you're still kind of checking in.
Speaker A:So I was kind of scared to use that with my children.
Speaker A:And so I. I didn't ever try and tell them what they were feeling or.
Speaker A:And so I think there was actually some schisms in my life because it's like, I didn't want to do that to my kids.
Speaker A:And so they're.
Speaker B:I see.
Speaker A:And my youngest son doesn't talk to me anymore, so obviously I didn't get it right either.
Speaker B:What was I going to say about that?
Speaker B:No, yeah, go ahead.
Speaker B:What were you saying, Christina?
Speaker B:You were saying something and I was going to say something about it.
Speaker B:I can't remember.
Speaker A:We were about to start into number three.
Speaker C:Right?
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker C:But also just like checking in at a different time to see how your reaction or your comforting of the.
Speaker C:Of the child, of the situation kind of resonates with them, because we do know that our kids, you know, perceive.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker C:Differently then, whatever.
Speaker C:And the reason I brought that up was because I sometimes I give a talk about how the communication and how, you know, when you kind of like, either don't share things with people or you're trying to hide things, your kids perceive them differently.
Speaker B:They.
Speaker C:They do have that kind of spidey sense of like, oh, something's going on.
Speaker C:I don't quite get it.
Speaker C:And when I gave that talk one time, I had parents in the audience like, oh, my gosh, my kids are grown.
Speaker C:And I never checked in with them when we had a divorce if I was really helping to support them.
Speaker C:So it just brought awareness to them.
Speaker C:And they actually went back and talked to their kids and said, you know, hey, when dad and I were getting a divorce, did I handle that well?
Speaker C:Were you okay?
Speaker C:Give me some feedback now.
Speaker C:So, like, as a grandparent, maybe very.
Speaker B:Therapeutic for an adult child to go back and do those things and apologize.
Speaker B:Even I remembered what it was.
Speaker C:Okay.
Speaker B:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker B:Oh, my gosh.
Speaker B:Now I forgot it again.
Speaker B:I'm so bad about that.
Speaker B:I should write things down or I'll forget them.
Speaker A:I do the same thing.
Speaker C:That's quite right.
Speaker C:Let's jump into step three.
Speaker B:So the third.
Speaker B:The third thing is that now we get into the behavior and separating out the mood from the behavior.
Speaker B:And so this kind of depends on the age of the child.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So when it's a really young child, then you're probably going to have to help them.
Speaker B:If it's an older child, you can encourage them.
Speaker B:So what you're going to do is now that you've, you've mirrored the feeling, you look really angry.
Speaker B:You have validated the feeling.
Speaker B:I can understand you feeling that way.
Speaker B:Let's talk about another way to handle this besides throwing, right?
Speaker B:Or hitting or running away, right?
Speaker B:Depending on, you know, the behavior.
Speaker B:And so then you get into the problem solving stage.
Speaker B:And as I say, the older the child, you can start going, so what do you think might be some other ways of handling this right?
Speaker B:And, you know, even, you know, grade school children can, can do this right if you help them.
Speaker B:And one of the things that I like about this too is it also empowers them to start problem solving because that's what you want, is you want your children to be able to say, I feel this way.
Speaker B:Let me think about the different ways that I could so, you know, handle this feeling.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:And so getting them to start thinking that way, critically thinking and using problem solving so they're more deliberate in the way that they act on their feelings.
Speaker B:That's what, you know, that's.
Speaker B:So that's how that works.
Speaker B:And if you have two children that are fighting, you know, this is a good opportunity to facilitate rather than getting in the middle and saying, okay, well, Johnny, you know, you did, you know, you did take that truck from, from Billy, you know, and that wasn't nice.
Speaker B:You can help them to, to work through their, their conflict by, by starting with, so what's going on here?
Speaker B:Help me to tell me what's going on here.
Speaker B:Let each one give their side of the story.
Speaker B:And, and again, you can go to, okay, well, what's another way, what do you think is a way that we can, we can work this out fairly, you know, like in getting them to think about, you know, sharing or taking turns or whatever the, the problem is.
Speaker B:Does that make sense?
Speaker C:Yes, it does.
Speaker C:And it's, it, it's one of those things that when you get them to be able to talk about it, right, and actually express their own feelings, it makes that connection a little bit more real, right?
Speaker C:Because you're not putting words in their mouth.
Speaker C:They're actually saying is like, yeah, I really do feel like that.
Speaker C:And I really am upset about abc.
Speaker C:I guess one of the things that is kind of funny is like, you know, when you go to them, it's like, what were you thinking?
Speaker C:Like, no, how about advancing as a parent with curiosities, like, I'm curious.
Speaker B:Yes, exactly.
Speaker C:Going on.
Speaker C:And what kind of were you thinking?
Speaker C:If you can tell me at this point instead of, you know, the, the harsh the overbearing, like, ah,.
Speaker B:Yeah, so I'm writing things down this time so I don't forget them.
Speaker B:We were talking about being genuine and you know, I, I, I say this in sort of a kind of half joking way, but you really do need to use your relationship with your kids.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And, and what I mean by that is the stronger the relationship that you have with your child, the more they are going to internalize your values and they're not going to want to disappoint you.
Speaker B:And so, and that's where being genuine can, can really be helpful.
Speaker B:You know, saying things like, you know, I'm really disappointed or you hurt my feelings, you know, and you're giving that child also an opportunity to see what it feels like to be in a relationship with them.
Speaker B:So they're getting, they're getting some feedback about, oh, so this is how my behavior makes people feel, right?
Speaker B:By starting at home with the parent, you know, so rather than focusing on their behavior and correcting them, you can say, wow, you know, that really, that really hurt my feelings.
Speaker B:Or you know, I, I'm really concerned about the way that you, the way that you handle that or whatever it is.
Speaker C:It's not the big guilt trip thing.
Speaker C:I mean, because unfortunately for we, I went through that as a kid, you know, lots of times, like there was a guilt attached to, oh, I didn't like your behavior or whatever.
Speaker C:But instead if it's that genuine sharing like you're saying, when you do this thing, this is how it makes me feel and I'm responsible for my feelings and I'm responsible for the way I react to that.
Speaker C:But at the same time, your action played into where I am now.
Speaker B:Right, right.
Speaker B:I can remember when my daughter was younger, just saying to her how, you know, we're disappointed, crying, you know, so yeah, I mean, it can be really powerful if you, you know, if you have that relationship with your children, so you want to really build and nurture it.
Speaker C:And I love what you were just saying there about really playing into and, and leaning on your family values.
Speaker C:Because if that's a discussion you've had with your children outside of conflict time, you know, our family values, kindness, our family values, trustworthiness, our family values, doing our best, then it also, I think takes a little bit of the guilt and pressure off of it a little bit because we're talking about things that we've already discovered and already said as fact in our family.
Speaker C:When we're kind, we do this.
Speaker B:So do you have any other questions?
Speaker B:Because I could Talk about, You know, I could talk about this for all another hour.
Speaker B:So is there anything in particular that you had a question about?
Speaker C:I think those three steps are really, really clear.
Speaker C:And I, I love that.
Speaker C:It's like plug and play, right?
Speaker C:You like pull it out and if you use it consistently, like you said, you can see the change in the relationship or you can see the change in the way things happen fairly quickly.
Speaker B:Just remember the thing that I forgot, and that is because Herb was talking.
Speaker A:About.
Speaker B:Kind of injecting what you think your child is feeling.
Speaker B:One of the ways that you can know whether it's working or not, and this is what I have seen, is when you start using that three step process, it starts to de escalate things.
Speaker B:If you see your child calming down, then you know you're on the right track.
Speaker B:Even though, again, they may not be making that connection.
Speaker B:Oh, I'm angry at a conscious level, you know, so when you, when you do that, when you mirror the feeling, validate it, what you're doing is hopefully you're de escalating and then you can, then you can get to that third, the problem solving point of it.
Speaker B:There's a book that I highly recommend that talks about this.
Speaker B:It's called how to Talk so Kids will Listen and listen so Kids will talk.
Speaker B:Are you familiar with it?
Speaker C:I'm not, but that sounds really interesting.
Speaker C:Yes, I like that.
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:And it's a, it's a short book, so it's not overwhelming.
Speaker B:And it has a lot of comic strips in it to demonstrate do's and don'ts.
Speaker B:And they have a teen version as well.
Speaker B:So it's been around for a long time.
Speaker B:And, and so it's really, really helpful way of learning some of this stuff.
Speaker A:So let's move a little into education now.
Speaker A:So many parents, it's like, oh, I need to keep my kids in school so that they continue to hang out with children of their own age.
Speaker A:How necessary is it that for six or seven hours a day children are grouped together by age?
Speaker B:Yeah.
Speaker B:You know, that's one of the things I'm sure you have heard if you homeschool, it's like, how is this child going to get socialization?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker A:One of the big three.
Speaker A:That's our big three.
Speaker B:But the problem is, is what kind of socialization are they getting?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:What are they being exposed to and is it really positive?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And the other, I think, myth or misunderstanding is that just because somebody's being, child's being homeschooled, they, that they're not getting opportunities to play and interact because a lot of homeschooling parents, they have homeschooling groups where they do get together and even have lessons together and play together.
Speaker B:And.
Speaker B:But they're all, you know, getting the same kind of, you know, education and instruction.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:And so it's much more likely to be, I think, positive.
Speaker B:Right, because there's so much that's not positive out there.
Speaker B:You know, the, the behavioral disruptions and the, you know, as you get older, you, you, you know, we all know what some of those are.
Speaker A:So one of the, one of the ways I talk about that is cooperative learning versus competitive learning in schools.
Speaker A:It's very competitive.
Speaker A:So if your child loves music and right now they get maybe 15 minutes to half an hour once or twice a week in a school, and half of the kids don't want to be in the music class and they're poking and goofing around, and the children loves music and they don't get it.
Speaker A:As opposed to, if they're homeschooled and your children likes music, you'll probably take them to a music class outside of school.
Speaker A:And then they're going to be working with kids of all different ages, even up to adults.
Speaker A:Everybody wants to be there.
Speaker A:They're all working towards the same goal.
Speaker A:And if one person is having a problem, then people of different ages will be able to interact with that children.
Speaker A:And so that, that is a cooperative version.
Speaker A:And again, that socialization is across all ages.
Speaker A:So the children learn how to deal with people of other ages instead of, oh, yeah, all my friends pick on me and do this and blah, blah, blah.
Speaker B:And so, yeah, the bullying is so huge.
Speaker B:So huge.
Speaker B:I mean, I have adults that come into my office that remember when they were bullied as a kid and that stuff just.
Speaker B:Yeah, I mean, it just never leaves you.
Speaker A:So, yeah, people talk about their big traumas, and almost all of it has happened in public education.
Speaker A:My biggest, my biggest things that still affect me today and slow me down today are stuff that happened in high school.
Speaker B:Yeah, right.
Speaker B:And I think, you know, this might be getting a little far afield, but, you know, since COVID I know a lot more parents have taken their kids out of public school.
Speaker B:You know, I, they got used to the idea of home, of teaching at home, and, and they, they see the benefits of it.
Speaker A:So do you, as a, as a clinician, are you see.
Speaker A:Do you see a difference between homeschool children and the issues that they have in the depth and, and public education children is.
Speaker A:Does that.
Speaker A:Does that come up in what you do?
Speaker B:You know, I haven't seen a whole lot of homeschooled children in my practice, but, yeah, I do think that they are more mature.
Speaker B:I think that they're more mature and.
Speaker B:And they have, I think, more confidence.
Speaker C:Yeah.
Speaker A:And I believe you said you homeschooled your children as well.
Speaker A:Would you like.
Speaker B:I started to, and then I went into the Army.
Speaker C:Huh.
Speaker B:And that was at the age of 42, I joined the Army.
Speaker B:And so at that point, my daughter had to go to public school, which was actually what they call dod, Department of Defense school, which are supposed to be known for being better than just the average public school.
Speaker B:So we were not feeling as concerned about it.
Speaker C:Okay, I have to go on this little side tangent.
Speaker C:Why?
Speaker C:Why at age 42 did you join the Army?
Speaker B:I know people ask me that all the time, and the honest answer is because just from a young age, I always, you know, I always say the.
Speaker B:The white picket fence and the house just didn't do it for me.
Speaker B:I wanted to have a bigger impact.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:I actually used to be really involved in theater, thought that I was going to be an actress on the stage.
Speaker B:So I studied that for a while.
Speaker B:I actually started out as a freshman at New York University in their theater program, so before I switched to psychology.
Speaker B:So, yeah, I always wanted to be part of something bigger than myself and to have a larger impact.
Speaker B:And I didn't start out thinking about the military.
Speaker B:In fact, at one point, I would have laughed in your face if you had suggested that I would join the military.
Speaker B:Last person.
Speaker B:I don't have anyone in my family that was in the military like a lot of military folks do.
Speaker B:But the more I learned about it, the more I thought, this really fits.
Speaker B:And I also, for some reason, I'm one of these people that in a crisis, I, like, really calm down.
Speaker B:Like, I just.
Speaker B:I just.
Speaker B:Yeah, I just respond in the opposite way.
Speaker B:And I thought, well, that should probably helped me in the military.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:And I did get to deploy to Afghanistan, and that was a really rewarding experience.
Speaker C:Wow, that's awesome.
Speaker C:And I know we could go all the way down there, but we need to jump into what you're doing now, what you do with coaching women and things like that, and talk about that a little bit and of course, share your contact information as we kind of start wrapping up the show.
Speaker B:Okay.
Speaker B:So, yes, I call myself the self authority coach.
Speaker B:If you look up self authority in the dictionary, you won't find it.
Speaker B:So here's my definition.
Speaker B:It's basically making decisions based on your values, your beliefs, your emotions, rather than based on looking, you know, for reassurance or pressure from other people.
Speaker B:It's about setting boundaries.
Speaker B:Basically the same thing.
Speaker B:Like, based on your values, your priorities, what you think is important, rather than waiting for other people to, quote, give you permission.
Speaker B:And then I don't.
Speaker B:I don't know if you're old enough to remember.
Speaker B: e was a detective show in the: Speaker C:Huh?
Speaker C:I like Colombo.
Speaker C:I got to watch that.
Speaker B:So he was known for asking a lot of questions.
Speaker B:In fact, his.
Speaker B:I think his, like, catchphrase was, oh, one more thing.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And he always walked around with this crumple, this rumpled trench coat and cigar in his hand.
Speaker B:So.
Speaker B:So I tell people to be like Columbo without the trench coat and cigar.
Speaker B:In other words, embrace your mistakes by being curious about them.
Speaker B:Instead of beating yourself up, ask yourself, what was I thinking?
Speaker B:What was I feeling?
Speaker B:What was going on for me at that time, that day, that week, that month, that year that might have contributed to my responding the way that I did?
Speaker B:What about my background, my history?
Speaker B:Might have.
Speaker B:So just because the reality is that you can't solve a problem, you don't understand.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And so.
Speaker B:So that's the.
Speaker B:That's the other thing about self validation is also about embracing your mistakes or your humanity, as I like to say.
Speaker C:And that is yourself for being human, as women, as parents, as people.
Speaker C:Because we do have to give ourselves a little bit of grace.
Speaker C:We.
Speaker C:We come from where we've been, we come from what we know, and we might want to be better.
Speaker C:And every once in a while, we slip back into something that is just kind of, like, ingrained or we taught.
Speaker C:I mean, her Herb likes to say, you know, I never thought I would hear me say this thing that came out of my dad's mouth because I didn't like it and I wasn't going to, but it happened anyway because that was part of being.
Speaker C:Growing up and being part of that.
Speaker A:Yeah.
Speaker A:Sometimes things happen, and it's like, oh, my gosh.
Speaker A:I have that look on my face that my dad used to.
Speaker A:I don't even see it, but I can just feel my face in that shape, and it's like, oh, my gosh, there's that shape.
Speaker A:It's like, that's how my dad got here right now.
Speaker A:This is what he was feeling.
Speaker A:And it's like, oh, that changes everything.
Speaker B:Well, you know, as far as moms go, I know that in particular, women can be really hard on themselves.
Speaker B:And they can put everybody else's needs ahead of their own.
Speaker B:Right?
Speaker B:And so part of self validation is learning to set internal boundaries.
Speaker B:That is giving yourself permission to put yourself first.
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:And you know, also I know that moms can be really, you know, they can second guess their, their decisions, right?
Speaker B:Am I.
Speaker B:Am I good mom?
Speaker B:You know, am I doing the right things?
Speaker B:And so, so there's a lot of self validation that can come into play when being in being a mom.
Speaker B:And a lot of moms are also work too, and so, and feeling that, that, that they're not good enough because they're trying to do too much.
Speaker B:And so that whole thing about not forgiving themselves for being human, you know, you can't do it all.
Speaker B:And so, you know, all of that can.
Speaker B:Can really be relevant to, to moms as well.
Speaker B:Self validation.
Speaker C:Thank you so very, very much.
Speaker C:Of course, everything is down the show notes, but I want you to say it out loud.
Speaker C:How can people get a hold of you?
Speaker C:If something you said, it really resonates or they're like, oh, I need to go work with Elaine.
Speaker C:Elaine is the person.
Speaker C:I need to talk to you about this thing.
Speaker C:Go ahead and give us that information.
Speaker C:And then any last thoughts before we wrap up?
Speaker B:Right.
Speaker B:So you can find out more about me at the self authoritycoach.com or self authority.
Speaker B:And I do have that podcast and I invite people to come and listen in.
Speaker B:The self authority podcast is on all of the major platforms like Apple and Spotify and YouTube.
Speaker C:Awesome.
Speaker C:Thank you.
Speaker A:Well, so thank you for being here today.
Speaker A:It has been an absolute pleasure.
Speaker A:There are so many people that just talk about the problems and don't actually ever do anything about it.
Speaker A:And you are out there and you're fixing the world.
Speaker A:And also, thank you for your service.
Speaker A:Thank you for, for joining and for.
Speaker A:For taking part and helping our soldiers, which is a thing that's near and dear to us as well.
Speaker A:So thank you for doing what you do, going out fighting the dragons, bringing the information back and sharing it to the world on our podcast.
Speaker A:On your podcast.
Speaker A:That is the hero's journey and that makes you a hero.
Speaker A:You're actually out there making the world a better place.
Speaker A:So thank you for being here and thank you for doing what you do.
Speaker B:Thank you so much, Herb.
Speaker B:I appreciate it.
Speaker B:Thank you for having me again.
Speaker C:You are very, very welcome audience.
Speaker C:It is your turn.
Speaker C:It's time to, like, subscribe, share.
Speaker C:If something Elaine said today that really resonated with you, share it politely, share it kindly with somebody else.
Speaker C:They may need to hear that same message.
Speaker C:Right.
Speaker C:And if it really resonated with you, share the show.
Speaker C:It's like, you know, go listen to the whole thing.
Speaker C:I only picked up this one little bit.
Speaker C:Go listen to the whole thing.
Speaker C:But also, thank you for being our audience.
Speaker C:Thank you for supporting us.
Speaker C:Thank you for being here.
Speaker C:And let's keep working together to raise those happy, healthy and successful families.
Speaker A:All right.
Speaker A:And be sure, if you are going to share, go into the comments and do an at the person, because that increases engagement and you're sharing it, and that increases the algorithm.
Speaker A:So more people will be able to get this valuable information.
Speaker A:So thank you.
Speaker C:All right, everybody, that's it for this show.
Speaker C:Until next time.
Speaker A:Bye for now.
